Swine Flu, Schmine Flu

The Porkgasm
Bacon strips, bacon sausage, ham sausage, ham slices, smoked pork sausage and roasted pork belly surrounded by ground sausage shaped into a pig, wrapped in bacon and roasted. Garnished with chili ears and tail.

If THIS doesn't get people eating pork again, I don't know WHAT will!

THIS JUST IN!

Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.

Less than 24 hours into their class trip to Washington D.C., ninth-graders from Middleton Junior High School are reporting that three of their female classmates have been fingered.

"I knew Jared was fingering her," classmate Matt Shearer told reporters. "They were laughing with each other and then they got real quiet."
Added Shearer, "Before the trip Jared said he was going to finger her."

While the official count remains at three, students speculated that as many as 20 of their classmates have been or will be fingered before the trip's end. However, ninth-grade sources have ruled out any chance of 15-year-old Emily Blankenship being fingered, felt up, or even touched, for that matter.

from The Onion.

What a great trip for American's youth.

Aw, look at the twee hipsters!

Lauren actually found the Look At This Fucking Hipster tumblr, but she's like waaaay tooooo busy to post her findings on this blog that is 1/4 hers.

So I'm sharing it.

Bwahahahahaa.

“There better be some torn leggings, bruised thighs, and tattered cowboy boots under that blanket, or we are out of here.”

Pour one out for Bea

Ever since Bea Arthur has passed, I've been watching episodes of "The Golden Girls" on YouTube. I love that show more than I love a eating a slice of cheesecake in the middle of the night because "I'm just so upset" while wearing my floor-length nightgown with floral robe. (Seriously, EVER OTHER EPISODE. LOVES IT.)

But here, I would like to encourage everyone to watch Bea and Rock Hudson, gay icon extraordinares, sing this little ditty.

Holler at Estelle for me, Bea.

In Tribute to Bea

There is just nothing to say about this.

Nothing does it justice.

Bea, you classy classy broad, you will be missed.

Pregnant Women are Smug

This one comes to us courtesy of Patti McGrath.

Thanks, Patti.

You've never even met Claudia, and yet you know her so well.

Keeping up with Rumfy--Week 13!

This little alien weasel is actually starting to resemble a mini-human!

13 Weeks Pregnant

Your Pregnancy: Week 13
Welcome to the last week of your first trimester. Any day now you'll start to feel your energy (and libido!) return. You may even be able to hold down a bite of food. Imagine that! 

Your Body
Say hello to the girls! Your boobs are probably looking pretty glorious at this point. You can thank your hormones for your newfound cleavage. (Yes, those same hormones that had you hugging the porcelain throne for the past 12 weeks. See, they're not all bad!) Estrogen and progesterone are stimulating the milk-producing glands in your boobs and making them grow, grow, grow. Your belly may be popping out a bit now as well. If you're feeling "huge" already, just wait. You ain't seen nothing yet! 

Your Baby 
Your baby can make a fist and even suck his or her thumb this week—both skills that are über-cute during infancy ... and not so much at the age of 9. If you're really lucky, you might catch a glimpse of baby's thumb sucking on an ultrasound photo. That's a framer! Other exciting developments include:

Your baby's eyelids are fused shut to protect his eyes as they develop. His bones and skull are solidifying and soon itsy-bitsy ribs may appear. (Baby ribs! How cute is that?!) Baby's intestines are finally right where you want them—in his or her belly instead of poking out into the umbilical cord. Baby's tooth sockets are all loaded and ready to pop out baby teeth six or seven months after baby is born (causing baby a lot of pain and you a lot of lost sleep).

Your baby-to-be now weighs about 20 grams and is nearly 3 inches long, or about the size of a Nutter Butter, covered in chocolate. OK, it doesn't have to be covered in chocolate, but isn't everything better that way?

Rumfy is now 12 weeks formed!

That means Claudia is at the end of her first trimester and might possibly stop bitching about everything all the damn time.  

Looooove Yoooou!

12 Weeks Pregnant

Your Body
You can barely brush your teeth without gagging so the mere thought of visiting the dentist may make you retch. Still, healthy teeth and gums are especially important during pregnancy as poor dental care can lead to a variety of problems such as pregnancy-related gingivitis and periodontal disease, neither of which sound like any fun at all. Plus, poor dental health during pregnancy has been associated with premature and low-birth-weight babies. 

Book an appointment, but be sure to let your dentist know you're expecting, so you can avoid dental X-rays. If you notice strange lumps on your gums, don't worry. It's just another perk of being preggo. Many women develop harmless, non-cancerous oral tumors when pregnant. And just when you were feeling really sexy ...

Your Baby
Baby's face is looking more human as his eyes have moved to the front of his head and his ears are in place. Hooray! Other amazing fetal highlights this week: 

Your baby is able to swallow this week and practices on the amniotic fluid he or she floats in. (And you thought baby food was kind of nasty!) And in case you're wondering how your kid can breathe in all that fluid, here's your answer: Fetuses get oxygen from the blood pumped into their bodies by the placenta and don't breathe with their lungs. Mystery solved!

Junior has doubled in size over the past two weeks and now weighs almost ½ ounce. He's also now around 2 ½ inches long, about the length of your pinky finger or a Vienna sausage, which, in a few months, will be indistinguishable from one another. 

Lifetime, Wow

It's Tuesday night in the Marcantel/Wint abode and damnit, we're watching the Nora Roberts' "Midnight Bayou" on Lifetime. Three letters: DVR.

Here's the recap according to Lifetime:

In the Nora Roberts movie "Midnight Bayou," Harvard-educated lawyer Declan Fitzpatrick (Jerry O'Connell) impulsively gives up his settled life to buy Manet Hall, a newly restored plantation manor near New Orleans to which he has always found himself drawn. Legend has it that the house is haunted, and shortly after Declan moves in he starts hearing voices and seeing things. Declan is also distracted by an undeniable attraction to Cajun local Lena Simone (Lauren Stamile), who grew up on the bayou with her grandmother Odette (Faye Dunaway) and has her own deep connection to the manor. Living in the house, Declan begins to have visions from a century past and details of events that took place in the mansion. With the help of Odette, Declan and Lena realize that they are inextricably linked with Manet Hall and uncover a shocking secret that has been hidden there for more than 100 years. (The "Midnight Bayou" movie is based on the Nora Roberts book title of the same name.)

Ya'll, this is THE BEST THING WE'VE EVER WATCHED. EVER. EVER. 

The end.

Bai Ling interviews read like transcripts from Insanityland

The San Francisco Chronicle recently had the balls to ask Bai Ling five entire questions.

The answers are made of sweet, sweet crazy (check it out here).

Q: What are these "Band-Aids of Truth" you wear on your legs?

A: I have a little spirit (who talks to me); she's crazy, extreme and she has her own little world and does whatever she wants to do, a show-off. I use the Band-Aids and I write messages. I just write things so unique, and you know when you have a scar you can't hide it, so I make kind of a trend. I was filming a movie with Ben Affleck and Rebecca Romijn ("Man About Town"). We were fighting - like a girl fight on the floor - and I scratched myself here (pointing to her knee), so I went to this event and I put a Band-Aid on. It was so ugly, so I cut Brad Pitt's head here and the other side was Quentin Tarantino.

I must MUST have her book, Nipples (yes, really), when it emerges!

Let's make this happen.

There is also an amazing Movieline interview for us here.

Q: What kind of movies would you like to make if you could have your choice?

A: I deserve so much more than the roles I get offered now. I’m one of the best actresses. One day I will win an Oscar. I’m already winning it. I just have to find the platform to show it. I’m already winning it! I’ve got that talent.

And thanks to the GFY gals for alerting me to these wondermous chattings.

Man. French people are rude.

Incroyable et formidable!
KANGOUROU (REMI GAILLARD)
by nqtv

You Pretty Much Gotta See This

Because we all need each other.

Stand By Me from David Johnson on Vimeo.

never gonna give never gonna give YOU UP

I will never:
a) give you up.
b) let you down.
c) run around or desert you.
d) never make you cry.
e) never say goodbye.
f) never gonna a tell a lie and hurt you.

Same goes for The Muppets.

So, if you didn't know it, Claudia is 11 weeks pregnant

This is a very exciting time for all of us Chicks!

Not to mention that by this week, "Rumfy" (the pre-child) has begun to look much more like a baby than an alien weasel.  

We've been monitoring his/her progress on this site:

 

11 Weeks Pregnant

Your Baby

All of your baby's vital organs are now formed and functioning, so the risk of defects decreases this week as your baby becomes less susceptible to outside influences. Phew! Other exciting developments include:

Baby's ears are assuming their proper place this week and the fingernail and toenail beds are beginning to form. Your little "pumpkin head" really lives up to his nickname as his head is nearly as big as the rest of his body.

Your baby now weighs a third of an ounce, about the same as two small, Starbucks-sized packets of sugar, is about 2 inches long, the length of one of those sugar packets. Isn't that sweet? 

We still have another 9 weeks before we'll know Rumfy's gender for sure, but I just feel like we have a girl on the way.

Claudia promised to post the first-ever photo of the baby later today.

I don't know why the one on the far left just REFUSES to cooperate.

Harumph.

Stupid nature.

I don't super-care about Mel, but this picture just came outta nowhere

from The Superficial today:

Mel Gibson's wife wants a divorce

"She divorced the guy who made The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday? I hope she learned the secret of his seven herbs and spices because he's definitely not telling her now. The Colonel holds no quarter for blasphemers!"

Har har.

Happy Egg Salad Monday, everyone.

Jason Webley Rocked the Empty Bottle last night

Ash and I were trombones.

I don't understand it, but I think it's groovy.

It's an excellent example of going down with the ship.

I can just envision a group of people huddled around the alarm, building aflame around them, arguing over who has to pull it, thus alerting everyone else in the building and forfeiting his/her life.

I mean, really.

Some things...really.

Addendum to Val Day Mix post

I just need to say that if we did it over again, I'd mos def include "Crazy Bout Ya" by Cowboy Mouth on the Vday mix. I love everything about that song.

How to be Cool.

That's how.

If this doesn't make you smile, I give up.

Just turn your speakers on and watch it.



Thanks, T&L.

Helpfully Hilarious

From today's Thrillist, meet

Tame the Bear.

Started by a UofC alum recently axed from his TV comedy writing gig, TTB posts articles, vids, and screeds offering topical tidbits ranging from actually useful to mirthfully useless, all under the mantra “The economy is like p*rn: We don’t care why it works, just as long as it makes our pockets chubby”. 

Today's front page headlines include:

• Alien Snuggie
• Hey Economy!  Up Yours!
• Free Crap!
• To Shake, or Not to Shake That Money Maker
• The Robot Uprising Is Upon Us
• When Twitter Blows Up in Your Face (see my post from yesterday)
• Tax Tips from an Angry Old Man

I've been fiddling around on this site for a little bit now, and I find it to be an intelligent mix of hysterical spoof and practical advice.  

But don't take my word for it.  

Visit today!

Recession Got You Down? SUCK IT UP!

Two short articles (op-eds?) from Drew McLellan of McLellan Marketing Group.

Seemed pretty insightful to yours truly.

Shame on you advertisers!

As you'll recall, I said I thought it was up to the businesses of this country to ignore the doomsday talk and get out there and behave our way out of the recession.  We need to be smart but we need to grow our businesses just like we've always done.  By investing in good people, good products and good services.

So that's why I find some of the recent ads I've seen so alarming. 

...

A local ad here from a company that sells pool tables and accessories has the owner on camera, talking about he's taken a beating during the recession...so he is being forced to sell his wares practically at cost, just to pay the wholesaler's note.

Come on! 

For a very small group of people, that's a true statement.  But when the media...and now the advertising constantly tells all of us that we should be dismal and dread our mail -- we are just adding to the malaise of this country.  We're making it worse.

I think I'll start behaving my way out of this recession right now! 

(by shopping)

Choose your next words carefully

SICK.

TRUTH.

This is what I keep telling you fools.

I DON'T CARE what some girl from my sixth-grade class is doing every second of every day, and I REFUSE to believe that she cares about my life!

I am hostile toward Twitter.

My mom's on Facebook.

I feel I know too much already.